Molly and Chris are two working parents who moved to the Netherlands from the US around 4 years ago. Their jobs are demanding, so they needed someone to help hold down the fort when the logistics of having a young child in a busy atmosphere. We sat down together to ask a few questions about their decision to host an au pair.
Why did you choose to host an au pair?
“Well, there are a couple of reasons. One, both of us work full time, and so it’s very helpful to have somebody who can help around getting Eleanor from school, or help her get up in the morning, or just be around if one of us can’t. And then the other thing is, sometimes we both travel for work and it’s nice to have another person to help. Between a kid and a rambunctious dog, it’s helpful.”
How was your search for an au pair?
“I feel we had no expectations. Sort of like having a child, I didn’t know what we were getting into. We were looking, I guess, in the end for somebody from Africa, because the Netherlands is predominantly a white country. I also have an adopted African-American sister, so there was a strong personal motivation to bring a bit more diversity into Eleanor´s life. So that was kind of the only requirement that we had, also that they’d maybe done some childcare before, had a sibling, somebody in their family that they helped raise — that sort of thing. But we didn’t have many requirements or expectations. And so far, so good”
How did you know you had a good match?
“I mean I guess we weren’t sure, right? I feel like you always maybe feel like you’re taking a risk, especially having someone move into your house for a year and take care of your child. I think the thing for me, Abigail was just clearly very very intelligent and I felt like she knew how to represent herself and her interests, and that was important to me. I thought that signaled a good match for us, that she’d be willing to advocate for herself and do that, so that we could work through any problems that might develop and things like that.”
“There was nothing to worry about when it came to Abigail and Eleanor bonding, it went smooth and well, Eleanor is pretty sociable.”
What are the biggest advantages of having an au pair?
“I mean, as we said, what we were looking for was having another set of hands,particularly when there’s only one of us at home if the other’s traveling. I think also having someone who’s around who’s maybe more patient with Eleanor at times we might be kind of exhausted or something. You know, it’s nice that she has someone that she feels is like a friend rather than a parent sometimes to play with.”
Have you had any challenges in having an au pair?
“We haven’t had challenges, no. I mean, we know that, for example, a lot of host families are scared initially of losing their privacy because you have another person in your home, but it hasn’t been a problem at all, we all go to bed early so it all works out perfectly fine”
How has your experience been with cultural differences?
“Luckily for us, language has not been a problem for us, I think the only concern was if she really wanted to learn Dutch really well that we just wouldn’t be the right people to provide that experience for her. Since au pairs in the Netherlands can only stay for a year and can’t come again, it hasn’t been really important for her.”
“There haven’t been any cultural shocks.. Probably I wouldn’t say “shocks”, I would say that there are some differences in how people approach discipline, and we may be a little stricter sometimes, and that’s just something that, as Molly said, is also somewhat of a benefit at times to have a person who may end up feeling more like a friend sometimes than a parent. So, that’s good, ultimately, but that’s something that we certainly talked about a little bit just how much space before you really say, “No, you can’t do that.” So, that was the only thing culturally.”
Do you have any house rules or specific boundaries with your au pair?
“We do have house rules, the sort of normal things. Try not to play by the stairs too much, these sorts of things. Certain places that you shouldn’t play, or leave the dog alone when the dog is eating, this kind of thing. But I don’t think we have anything extraordinary.”
“I hear some [au pairs] have romantic relationships and other things. It was very important. It was a strict house rule for us not to bring any romantic relationships home. And we didn’t want anyone who wasn’t an au pair friend to know where she’s staying and the house, just to avoid any potential problems.”
How did people in your surroundings respond to you having an au pair?
“No, nobody’s said anything yet. I know people back in the States that have had au pairs. Similarly, both parents are working intense jobs and things like that. So that was the example that I had before but we don’t know anybody here who has an au pair in our circle. ”
“There has not been a negative respond yet”
How did you decide to continue with the au pair program?
“No, it was pretty obvious. I mean, especially until Eleanor’s in school and a little bit more able to participate in afterschool programs and those types of things. Our life situation hasn’t changed, so we still very much value some support and partnership.”
“We are continuing our full service with an au pair coming from Nepal! Different parts of the world on purpose. You know, a different perspective and a different voice and culture in Eleanor’s childhood, and that’s it!”
Why Nina.care?
“We looked at a couple of other agencies and Nina.care was both the most local and I think was the easiest to work with from the beginning.”
Is there any advice you’d give parents who are considering hosting an au pair?
“I mean, you will have somebody living in your home. It is an adjustment. and it does impact certain things like if you need to travel as a family and you’re thinking about vacations. If you have a dog and you have a pet to think about, you know, it’s another person in your life that you’re responsible for to some extent. And that is something to consider, it’s not as if you let somebody move in with you and then you never have to think about them again. They’re a part of your family.”
“I feel like in some ways having an au pair also just forces you as parents to re-evaluate and talk about the house rules and things we do in a way that.. I don’t know, sometimes it is easier and sometimes it’s harder. You’re faced with them more clearly. That’s not really advice.”
“No, but it’s a good point. I think sometimes as parents when you’re parenting it can be challenging to talk through things like rules for various reasons. But when there’s another persona around and you have to talk about them and figure these things out, it can help. It’s an interesting forcing function.”
“Also, if you do get an au pair, start bike lessons early. Everybody’s like, “Oh I know how to ride a bike,” and then riding a bike here I think is… very different. On the one hand, more rules, more organized, but also very chaotic. So… You know.”
Hosting an au pair from another culture has enriched Molly, Chris, and their daughter Eleanor’s lives in a way that most people don’t get to experience! It’s fantastic that they get to thrive in their busy lifestyle and prepare their daughter to become a global citizen.