Esther lives in a small town in the southwest of the Netherlands with her husband, three children, and their au pair, Abigael. She and her husband run a small but growing medicinal herb farm. Amanda, our marketing lead, sat down with her to find out why Esther decided to host an au pair and how she’s feeling about her decision.
Why did you choose an au pair?
Amanda: Why did you choose an au pair?
Esther: There were several factors. We live in the polder, a long way from the daycare and we like that the children can be at home a lot. The company has grown a lot recently and we opted for, well, to see if the children could actually receive more care at home.
A: Also important, yes. And was it a difficult search?
E: Not at all actually, It was the first match and it was good right away.
How did you choose an au pair?
A: How nice to hear! And what do you expect an au pair to do? For example, did you have a certain number of requirements that she had to meet?
E: Yes, partly. We live on a farm where a lot of people come into the house, so she had to be someone who had to be open to easily making new contacts. She should be able to go along with changes – that things can change. People walk in, come to drink coffee. Yes, some flexibility was necessary for us. We also hoped that for our first au pair, she could easily understand a bit of Dutch, also for our children.
What did you ask your au pair during the interview?
A: I understand, yes, I think that worked out well. Actually I understand the idea. What kind of questions did you ask her, for example, to get to know each other better?
E: What she does for sports. For example, what she does on her free time, what she likes. We also love sailing and watersports. We also hoped for someone who would share that with us. Well, that worked out too!
A: Yes, great! And did you also introduce her to the children in advance? Or not?
E: During the first conversation, the children were already there to ask their questions and to watch.
A: Oh, how did that go?
E: I sat in the kitchen during the conversation and the kids were sitting at the table drawing. From time to time they would walk by, have a peak and join the chat.
A: The kids were able to understand some English then, right?
E: We have a number of employees here at our company who speak English, so they have heard English from the beginning, also at the kitchen table. But we only found out how well they could speak English when Themi actually came to live here.
A: That’s clever and I can imagine that that has improved very quickly.
E: Yes. One is a little faster than the other of course, but yes.
A: Yes, if you want to do it so young, then you pick it up really quickly.
E: It’s nice to see that every child also has their own way of learning.
What is the biggest advantage of having an au pair?
A: Yes, I understand that. Nice indeed. And what would you say is the biggest advantage of having an au pair?
E: The peace in the house. It is a certain stability that you get in the house for the children and for our company too. Yes, it has brought a lot of peace to us because of that..
A: Yes, I think it’s funny you say that, because I can also imagine that some parents think that it will actually be busier if you have an extra person, but for you, it really is more space.
E: I can imagine that too, because of course you have to get used to each other and you have one more person in the house to take into account. We often have to go outside when a supplier comes, and then this just brings a lot more peace.
What has changed in your home since hosting an au pair?
A: Oh that is great to hear. And does your daily routine look very different now that you have an au pair?
E: No, not at all. That has not changed.
A: Great! And the time you spend with the children yourself – Do you think that you have more time for that now or has that changed?
E: Certainly, that changes when someone [new] comes into the house, and I have started working a bit more too. But there is also more time to do something alone with the children, to talk.
A: Yes, nice. And is there something you’ve really had to get used to? Since she’s been at your house?.
E: Nothing.
A: Oh, because for example, some parents are quite nervous in advance that they will lose their privacy. Did you find that difficult?
E: No. Now, we do have the advantage that we have an extra bedroom downstairs and not upstairs. But no, I don’t have that feeling. It takes some time getting used to in the beginning, to find when you want to shower, that kind of thing.
A: Yes, that’s true too. Yes, that’s different. Have you ever been unsure of having an au pair since she’s been here?
E: No, everything is going well with us.
Do you think you will host a second au pair?
A: Also nice to hear! And do you think you will want a second au pair when she leaves?
E: Yes, very much, we do.
A: You guys don’t want her to leave?
E: No, we don’t want Themi to leave! Especially now that the company is still growing so fast and Gini is still young.
A: And are you stressed about how it will be for the children when she leaves? Because you do build a strong relationship of course.
E: Yes, but it’s also part of life. People come, you learn from each other, grow a lot, and even if she leaves, she’s not gone.
A: Yes you can keep in touch, that’s right. What I often hear from families is that sometimes parents find it almost more difficult than the children. Because the children get used to someone new easily. And they don’t really know any better.
E: Yes, you do build a bond.
A: Maybe you’ll also compare [au pairs] a bit since you’ve had such a good experience now.
E: Oh, about that, I think every experience needs to be looked at with new eyes.
A: Yes. Have you already started searching for a new au pair? It’s still a bit early, but do you think you have an idea whether you want someone from Africa again or does nationality matter to you at all?
E: Not really. I would like to try another language because the children pick up languages very easily. But I only speak English, so I think it’s very important that we can communicate well with each other, that there can be no misunderstandings. That is really very important for us.
A: Maybe someone from South America or something!
E: That would be really nice, yes.
What is the family dynamic like with your au pair?
A: And did you draw up some kind of house rules or something in advance? I can imagine that certain things that you would like to happen in a certain way.
E: I found it very difficult to draw up house rules about my own house. Because we hae very few rules. With the children too, we do have boundaries, but no rules as of now. We have to have it like this. So I found it difficult to set the rules. Actually, honestly, they have remained open with us.
A: Oh, yeah, if that works for you, then that is great.
E: You have your own boundaries that you need, like to sit comfortably on the couch in the evening. We like to go out for dinner once a week if that works out with the two of us. And that we also have time to discuss things. But we haven’t set any rules.
A: And when you sit on the couch together in the evening are the three of you sitting together?
E: No, Themi usually sits in her own room. Sometimes, the three of us will sit together if we watch a movie together.
A: That just happened naturally? You didn’t say you want the evening to yourselves?
E: Partly, yes. There’s not much coming from us after a whole day.
A: Yeah, I get it. No more social battery.
E: I also had a laptop repaired. Good battery in it and Netflix on it. And made her room extra cozy.
A: That is super nice indeed.
E: I find it really necessary here too, if you live in the polder far from the village, to look things up and to have contact with you and arrange things in the Netherlands..
A: Yes, no it is very nice indeed. Yes.
E: Yes, it’s important.
Was finding an au pair stressful?
A: And did you find it stressful for an au pair that you might live a bit further away from larger cities?
E: A little bit yes, because we can’t easily get away because of our company. That makes it harder to quickly get in the car and drive away. But very gradually, things come naturally, as they should. So yeah.
A: And what was it like for you to suddenly speak English at home every day?
E: We do speak English regularly in our company. We have several employees who all speak it, so sometimes I have to search for the words.
A: Oh yeah, it goes like that of course.
E: Yes, definitely yes.
A: And people around you, did they have to get used to the idea that you have an au pair? Sometimes it can be a bit taboo, I know, or [people think] it’s only for very rich people. How was it for you?
E: We did it a bit gradually. Of course, we waited 3 months. So we had made the decision, but then you still have to apply for a visa and arrange all the documents. That took three months in total. So then actually everyone in our environment already knew that Themi was coming to live with us. We did wait until we were sure that the visa was ready to tell the school.
A: Are there any other children at school who have an au pair?
E: I don’t know anyone here in the neighborhood who has an au pair.
How did you decide to get an au pair?
A: How did you come up with it?
E: Such a long story. I had an automatic excuse for a while: I don’t have a babysitter. Also for the company, I’d say, “Yes, sorry, I don’t have a babysitter, I have to be home with the children.” And then I got a burnout, and my therapist said, “You can’t do this anymore. Now you really have to stop saying that all the time.” And then there was an advertisement for you on television, and I thought, I’m going to do that.
A: Oh how nice, the marketing is going well! I have the impression that parents sometimes have to think about it a bit longer, because it’s quite a big decision to have someone come to live with you? Did you have that too or did you immediately think, “This is what we’re doing?”
E: No, no, it felt right immediately. And it’s a two way street. We add something, she adds something to us. And we absolutely wanted to add something for her, [to] show her something of the Netherlands, how we do things here. And we hoped that it was the same for her. Well, it’s like that now, so we get just as much from Themi as she does from us, in [sharing] culture and that is great.
Were there any culture shocks?
A: Yes, really that cultural exchange you talked about. Did you have any culture shocks there?
E: I didn’t. I think with Themi it’s not that bad. But of course we’ve had some really funny things, certain things that we do that she would absolutely never do in her culture, like with eating. We sometimes stand at the kitchen counter to eat. That’s not done in her culture. So those are funny things to discover and get to know from each other. And I think that’s only possible if you live together in a house.
And that’s why we’re also open to another au pair, because it’s so much fun to get to know things from each other and new customs and cultures. With us there are also the herbs and trees and everything that’s in and around a country to learn from each other.
A: Yes, that’s also something beautiful indeed. I can imagine for the children too, because that’s also cool for their education.
E: Yes, definitely.
What is it like when you au pair has her weekends?
A: And how is it when Themi has free time? Are you just home a lot?
E: At the moment, quite a bit. We bought her a bike, so she cycles a lot on the weekend. And she goes to lifeguard school. She can swim there soon. And she is always free in the weekend so she can do whatever she wants then. She can also go to Amsterdam or Haarlem.
A: Yes, exactly. But for you it’s also not a problem if she just stays at home. What do you usually do yourself during the weeks she stays at home? Do you go out or do something fun?
E: Sometimes, yes, but if we are going to do something, then she always comes with us. Or, anyway, she can come with us. It varies, yes, sometimes we have to work, sometimes there’s football, sometimes there are sports, sometimes it just depends.
A: Nice, but it seems like she’s really part of the family!
E: Certainly. And the children had a really nice babysitter before Themi came, so she still comes every now and then on Saturdays or Sundays for a few hours. She’s the same age as Themi. This summer we sailed to Terneuzen for three days by boat, so those two looked after the house together.
Did you discuss your parenting style with your au pair?
A: And how is it going for the upbringing of the children? Do you have any specific ideas about that that you also shared with Themi in advance. What you think is important for their upbringing?
E: Yes. Our children live here quite spaciously and are used to doing their own things and going their own way. So it is also very important to us that it stays that way. That they continue to walk outside, climb trees everywhere, build huts and do things the way they did. And that is what happened, yes. They also need some time after school to relax and sit for a while.
A: Yes, and certainly with so much beautiful country around you and all the space around.
E: Yes, they are also outside a lot. They jump on the trampoline. In the woods, they’ve built a beautiful hut. So wonderful.
Would you recommend the au pair program to other families?
A: And would you recommend the au pair program to other families?
E: Definitely. I already have. The only thing is that many parents have difficulty with the extra room. We are lucky to have a very large house. I can also imagine that you also need something where someone can retreat. Because we also have our emotions. It can be overwhelming, but when you come to another country, you also need a place to relax and sit and really have your own spot. That is very important.
What should parents know before hosting an au pair?
A: I understand that. What do you think is important for other parents to know before they start the au pair adventure?
E: Yes. I think you really have to realize that you are getting a different culture in your home. That is very important, but also very nice and good for raising your children. But you have to stay open to it. For the children too, that gives a certain dynamic, and that changes for a while before it becomes a bit calmer again.
What was the advantage of working with an au pair agency?
A: Yes, good advice. And what did you think was the advantage of working with an au pair agency?
E: We chose Nina.care because you actually arrange everything. We are already busy with the business and the children, and that’s why we chose the extra support, so that we don’t have to figure everything out ourselves, have to put everything together to arrange it. It is also important that it is done well. You also provide courses, language courses and other things. That is important.
Esther and her family have benefited greatly from the au pair program. It seems that an au pair – an extra hands around the house – was important for Esther to branch out and have some personal time for herself and her business.